Why bother working on it? 5 Reasons to engage in affair recovery.

A common reaction by a person betrayed by an affair is a decision to leave the relationship as soon as possible. Why bother working on something that is so obviously and irrevocably broken? Why even be in the same room as the person who hurt me so badly? What's the point?

When I meet with couples in the immediate aftermath of discovery, the betrayed partner often enters appearing shut down and disinterested (in addition to bitterly angry and hurt). Sometimes, both partners show similar levels of dejection and hopelessness. Yet here I am saying that I am glad they are here and we are going to get to work immediately. I quickly find valid reasons for optimism even while the conventional wisdom often encourages people to walk away. Why am I optimistic?

In my experience treating couples for affairs there are many reasons to engage in the work, even if one or both partners are unsure of whether they want the relationship to continue. Here are just a few that I have observed in my years of treating affairs.

1: To begin soothing the pain and restoring control.

Often in the first session we do preliminary work to begin soothing the immense pain that both partners often feel. Such pain can be almost overwhelming; clients talk about sleepless nights, prolonged crying spells, anger, or rage like they have never experienced in their lives, and perhaps even a desire to end their lives to escape the hurt. The pain I am describing is often so powerful that even very high functioning people with solid social networks and family bonds struggle to contain it.

The early work we do is often focused on managing these powerful emotions, containing conflict around the affair, and restoring a sense of control. This looks different for every couple; sometimes it entails developing plans to cope with storms of emotions or the risk of suicide. For others we might focus more on the longer-term process of affair recovery, laying the groundwork and knowing that the work itself calms emotions and restores normalcy.

But first and foremost in this work we soothe pain and restore much needed control.

2: To reduce the collateral damage around the couple

Affairs do not just affect the couple involved. There can be far-reaching effects that couples likely could not have anticipated. Word of a workplace affair can spread like wildfire; partners of the "other" person can get involved and seek retribution; family members can take sides and powerfully interfere with the couple's lives; there can be legal difficulties; and of course, if there are children in the marriage they can be drawn into the painful world of their adult parents. For some clients, affairs can be front page news.

It is imperative for couples to act quickly and effectively in order to prevent such worsening of the crisis. Even if you do not wish to stay together it is often very important to decisively minimize the spread of the damage. The sooner couples see me after discovery, the sooner we can start this work.

Sometimes, betrayed partners will deliberately "spread the word" about the affair as a means of retribution. I will have more to say about this in another blog but I very strongly advise against this in the strongest possible terms. As we work together I will help reduce this desire for retribution so that both of you can move forward.

3: To understand what happened and begin healing.

As I have said elsewhere on this website, healing requires an understanding of what has happened. We cannot undo the past; that much is certain. But in order to heal, we as humans seem wired to need to understand what happened and, eventually, why it happened. In my experience, this work is rarely done well alone. I have met with clients who have attempted postmortem analyses of dead relationships or of affairs. The work is inherently limited in value because it only has one participant (rather than both of the partners).

It is worth expanding on this; thorough healing almost invariably requires both partners to participate. It is not uncommon for me to be surprised at why a given person had an affair; in some cases there was virtually no way I could have guessed some of the deeper reasons for the affair (and I am trained and experienced in this work). The same is true of betrayed spouses and sometimes even the person involved in the affair.

It takes the right kind of exploration to fully understand what happened and why. And that understanding is essential for healing and safety. Your future self will thank you.

4: To learn how to spot warning signs and prevent future affairs

Whether you stay in this relationship or move on to others in the future, you will be sensitized to the possibility of an affair. Not engaging in a thorough process of affair recovery may well leave you insufficiently educated on why the affair happened, what the warning signs were, what the couple could have done differently to prevent it, and how to protect against future affairs.

Such work tends to occur later in the process but it is immensely valuable for the health of future relationships (or the current relationship). Doing this work helps people feel more at ease, because they are confidently aware of warning signs and problems that could signal an affair.

5. To save what could be a truly remarkable relationship

An affair does not have be the death knell of a relationship. On the contrary, affair recovery done thoroughly and done right can propel the couple to being better than they were before the affair -- and sometimes much better than they were.

Affairs are often a symptom of underlying problems, whether in the marriage, in a partner, or in both. Affair recovery work exposes those problems like little else can; and then we get to work on them.

One of the reasons I so thoroughly enjoy affair recovery work is the level of honesty each partner is now willing to bring to the room. Much of the worst of the relationship is already out there; why not keep going and examine everything? This kind of unflinching honesty accelerates the work and gives us much grist for the therapeutic mill.

As a result of this honesty and hard work the couple often moves far beyond the old wounds and blind spots that limited them in the past. Undoubtedly it entailed quite a bit of pain to get to this place. But in my experience, couples recovering from an affair show remarkable willingness to keep pressing on in order to surpass what the relationship was before.

Near the end of our work, it is not uncommon for couples to remark that they thought the honeymoon period was the best it could possibly get. But after the sustained hard work of affair recovery they realize they are much more honest, more healthy, and stronger than they ever were.

There are undoubtedly many other reasons to engage in affair recovery. But these are a few that come to mind as I reflect on the past 15 years doing this work.

I'll see you in there.

Dr. Chris

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