What does recovery look like? Part III

In this third installment on the processes of recovery we will look at the emergence of trust as a powerful mechanism of change.

In previous posts we considered two processes that must occur before recovery can begin: the creation of structure in the couple's interactions, and emotional softening. The structure I actively create with couples is essential for stopping the often-harmful conflicts that consume them after an affair. The gradual softening of sharp emotions into their softer antecedents helps draw both partners into the work.

In this post we will discuss the emergence of trust, a bedrock assumption often shattered by the discovery of an affair.

Trust in close relationships.

Trust is a vital element in committed, healthy relationships. It is the confident belief that one's partner will act in ways that are in the best interest of the relationship, each other, and the family.

Trust always involves a leap of faith. We can rarely if ever know with absolute certainty what another person is thinking, feeling, or doing, especially when we are not with them. To trust is to believe in things even when we cannot see them for ourselves.

Trust allows us to feel confident despite such uncertainty. It helps us relax in the knowledge that our partner will not hurt us by breaking the rules and expectations of the relationship. In the language of attachment theory, to trust a partner is to see them as a secure base from which to face the world, confident in the knowledge that he or she will always be there.

What are partners entrusting to each other? Among many other things, their emotional safety and security, physical well-being, and the unique status as their partner's one and only person. Obviously these are significant

Couples build trust in many ways and often over the months and years of dating, courtship, marriage, and during hard times.

After an affair, trust can seem permanently destroyed. How could I ever trust you again? I would be a fool, we might think. And yet, in my many years of experience with this work I have been witness to the almost inevitable growth of trust when couples just keep doing the work.

Several facets of our work begin the journey of rebuilding trust. It is important to note that such rebuilding is a long, often subtle process and certainly never quick. It is essential to realize this from the outset. But it is equally important to keep in mind that trust can and will return if you just keep working.

Rebuilding trust: a gradual process

Trust gradually accrues from several overlapping processes during our work.

First, the involved partner's willingness to participate in the the hard work of affair recovery sends an important message. It says, I may have deep doubts and fears, but I at least want to try this. It is not uncommon for people involved in affairs to decide to end the marriage after discovery. So committing to recovery work is an important first signal.

Accepting the structure of the therapy process and taking small risks to stay engaged despite the hardships of the work also contribute to the process of rebuilding trust. These acts send the message that the involved partner cares enough to try, which slowly contributes to the trust bank.

Similarly, the betrayed partner's willingness to abide by the structure and to also take risks by softening send the message that he or she is willing to trust the process and work. This lets the other partner know that it is safe to feel trust, however modest the amount might be.

As we progress in the work, the involved partner shows increasing honesty and transparency, taking risks to share things that were previously secret. The same partner also accepts greater responsibility without feeling the normal human desire to defend at the same time. These further contribute to trust.

The betrayed partner's growing willingness to continue softening, withhold attacks, and (much later) to consider his or her place in all of this send more signals still that it is okay to trust.

Along the way, the couple agrees to create new forms of accountability and transparency. The involved partner might, for instance, decide to share his location electronically or inform his wife if the other woman contacts him again. Another couple might curtail traveling independently, since it was on business trips that she would meet with her ex-boyfriend from college. The might agree to have all credit card statements sent to the house.

As we progress, trust grows in direct proportion to the degree of honesty, gentleness, and acceptance the couple can extend to each other. Consistent actions with minimal mistakes contribute to this growth.

All of these actions (and others) slowly but consistently build trust. The clinical literature often suggests that a year of consistently trustworthy actions needs to occur before the trust is solid. In my experience this seems fairly accurate; as long as the couple continues the work we have done, trust continues to build long after we terminate. T

he timeline does depend on many variables, including the type of affair, duration, commitment to recovery, and so on.

But while trust is not something quickly or easily rebuilt, it is vital to recognize that it is almost always possible if both partners just continue doing the hard work.

In the next post we will discuss the importance of making sense and meaning of the affair as a predicate to long-term healing and growth.

-- Dr. Chris

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