What does Recovery look like? Part II

In the first post in this series on recovery I wrote about the necessity of creating structure and safety in session as an initial step in recovery. By creating structure, slowing couples' interactions, and breaking cycles of conflict the couple begins to feel safer and increasingly hopeful that the work to come will ameliorate their suffering.

In this installment we consider how changes in emotional intensity, content, and expression help move the couple closer to the goal of recovering from the trauma of an affair. In affair recovery work (and often couples therapy more generally) emotions are truly powerful drivers, shaping interactions and relationships in profound ways.

Thus, emotions are a vital component of our work. As I note repeatedly on this website, affairs are often deeply traumatizing to partners in a relationship. One of the hallmarks of such trauma is, of course, the overwhelmingly painful emotions that accompany the shattering of one's most cherished beliefs and sources of safety.

Throughout our work I carefully track emotional experiences and factor this into my planning and interventions. Arguably, though, this is most important early in the process of affair recovery, where emotions are at their most intense. In many ways, emotion-focused healing is the heart and soul of the work I do as a couples' therapist and coach, and I eagerly engage in this vital work.

Couples often enter affair recovery experiencing some of the strongest emotions they have ever felt. Betrayed partners share with me their profound grief and sadness, but also their rage, humiliation, and loathing (whether at their spouse, themselves, or both). The involved partners often share deep feelings of shame and pain at the devastation happening. They might also feel reactive anger as their spouses chastise and berate them continuously.

Both partners often feel varying degrees of fear, anxiety, embarrassment, and sadness. Still others may feel these but also counterintuitive emotions such as relief at learning that their suspicions were warranted and that they were not unreasonable or paranoid. The involved partner might also report feeling relief, having lived a difficult double life, for instance.

Without strong and competent intervention by a professional, it is easy to see how couples can succumb to the overpowering nature of these emotions. Simple discussions turn into rage-filled screaming matches that prevent any meaningful work, much less recovery. (Many couples do this until they eventually burn out, months or years later, and enter an uncomfortable state of resigned, mutual aversion.)

I work with these emotions in a variety of ways, but what I never do is seek to shut them down, suppress them, invalidate them, or judge them. Emotions are a powerful way that we humans process information and also communicate with each other. Quite possibly the worst thing I could do, then, would be to attempt to stifle an emotion or label it as problematic. (If you are working with a therapist who does this, I encourage you to fire them immediately and find someone else!)

Instead, I create an environment where your emotions are not only welcomed but even amplified. Using individual sessions, for instance, I often work with clients to let their anger, shame, or rage emerge so that we can experience it together and validate it. Often when doing this I work to amplify the emotion (for very good reasons, which I will undoubtedly discuss in depth in the future) so that clients experience the emotion more fully, like they do at home.

This approach is the diametric opposite of that embraced by those unqualified to engage in couples work (and please forgive me as I get on my soapbox again): such would-be helpers often tell a person to control the emotion, replace it with something else, or just let it go. All of these are fundamentally misguided and even harmful for clients.

It is only after experiencing a painful emotion thoroughly (ideally with another human present) and coming to believe that it is normal (and even healthy) that we can begin to feel safe enough to experience the vulnerability and hurt these harder emotions protect.

Some of the most delicate work I do in affair recovery involves striking the optimal balance between the necessary experiencing and validation of tough emotions and the elements of change that must occur.

As noted, I initially do much of this work in individual sessions where clients can direct their emotions at me, in all of their raw intensity, without the complexity of having their partner present.

The transformation of emotions.

As we progress, a powerful change begins to occur: the harder emotions begin to transform. Rage slowly gives way to hurt, embarrassment, and fear. Anger and reactiveness gradually reveal the shame and unmet longing that partners feel.

I deliberately focus on this process to accelerate healing, but I am seasoned enough to respect that clients will heal at their own pace.

The transformation happens almost continuously throughout our work and in response to the many stages and processes we complete. Sometimes I focus directly on facilitating these changes; other times I trust that our work on other tasks is indirectly contributing to such softening.

From antagonists to co-collaborators

I continuously monitor these changes in emotional intensity and form; we do this work for until both partners soften enough to move into the next stage of the work. This is a vital process on the way to recovery; once the harder, potentially aggressive emotions give way to their vulnerable shadows, the couple can begin to work collaboratively again, rather than as antagonists in their painful drama.

A detailed enumeration of the many processes I use to soften and transform emotions is beyond the scope of this blog. But it is some of the most fulfilling work that I do, and I welcome opportunities to expand and reformulate powerful emotions in the service of healing. This is the stuff of relational alchemy.

In the next installment of this series we will discuss how trust begins to develop in our work, and how this powerfully contributes to the process of recovery from an affair.

Dr. Chris