What does recovery from an affair look like? Part I.

(This is Part I of a five-part series describing defining recovery after an affair and how it happens in our work and beyond.)

Throughout much of this website I write about the process of recovering from an affair. While I am intimately familiar with the work of recovery, I thought it might be helpful to describe what recovery does and (does not) look like for couples. While each couple I see is unique, there are common themes to recovery more or less regardless of what has happened.

In this first installment on recovery I will discuss my careful implementation of structure as a vital element.

First, though: it is important to note that recovery is a continuous experience that develops over time rather than as a singular achievement or moment. Recovery begins early in treatment and continues at least until we agree we have met our goals; for many (or most) couples, the process continues to unfold in the months and years that follow our work.

It is also worth noting that various complicating factors can influence both the pace of recovery and what recovery means to a given couple. (Please see my future Blog on Factors Influencing Recovery from an Affair). Still, couples seem to progress along loosely similar paths, albeit for varying amounts of time. The first step most couples experience is a significant change in how their interactions go.

Softer, slower interactions as the first signs of change in recovery.

Many if not most couples begin this work in some degree of crisis (mild to severe), and struggle to work productively with each other on tasks large or small. Creating structure is thus a crucial task for me at the outset of recovery work.

From the moment we begin I am exercising my leadership abilities to create structure and safety. This is vital, as clients' emotions can be both powerful and difficult for them to contain. Knowing this, I gently but firmly create a safe structure for our interactions, then teach ways to continue this outside of sessions.

I do this because we simply cannot move forward and effect lasting change until both partners are confident they are emotionally (and physically) safe in our work. Clients reliably cite my ability to stay calm yet warm and empathic during difficult moments as a major factor in their decisions to trust me.

As the structure begins to take hold and safety increases, couples' interactions begin to change. The angry, aggressive arguments at home dissipate in the room and couples begin to speak in genuine but gentler tones. Despite their emotions, partners begin to hear each other. The pace slows as the pressure diminishes.

This is not to suggest the work is sterile and free of emotions. Not at all. But I work continuously to sense the emotional temperature in the room and modulate emotions to keep them within a productive range.

Thus, instead of circular arguments that relentlessly grind through the same questions and accusations, couples begin to work productively as I gently but continuously steer us toward effective interactions.

I closely monitor these interactions and adjust the flow as necessary to maintain productivity and safety. When a partner begins to feel a desire to shut down, for instance, I sense this and do what is best to keep the couple engaged. When the intensity begins to approach a level that is unproductive (or, worse, potentially harmful) I can unobtrusively intervene without disrupting the flow.

Thus, the structure we create and nurture helps the couple considerably by allowing them to do what they often cannot do at home: safely and productively approach very difficult topics in order to work through them.

Here is an important note about structure, however: The structure I am speaking of continues in varying degrees throughout our work, but it changes. Early in our work it is vital that I implement structure to create emotional safety and facilitate progress. But as we progress I very carefully and quietly begin to reduce the amount of containment I provide so as to allow couples to interact increasingly on their own.

This is important: I am exceedingly careful to never reduce this structure prematurely, or else I risk enabling a damaging interaction (and that's never good). But this titration of structure is essential for long-term success, and is something I will undoubtedly write more about in the future. After all: one implicit goal of our work is to reach a point where you don't need my help anymore.

But again: early in the process I work with couples to create a safe structure so that both partners can begin engaging and healing. To do this, I lean both on my years of clinical training and experience in affair recovery, but also on leadership skills and self-discipline built in the military and elsewhere to create an optimally safe experience for the work.

Part II: The changing nature of emotions in recovery.