Is recovery from an affair really possible?

The simple answer? Absolutely. The not-so-simple answer? It takes a lot of work and the right kind of work, done in the right order, likely with the right person helping, and with a couple willing to hang in there. So it is possible, but it is not simple.

The discovery of an affair is often devastating. Affairs can shatter the beliefs that are the bedrock upon which relationships are built, leaving both partners reeling. In the hours and days after an affair's discovery it is all too easy to believe the relationship is destroyed. In the weeks and months to come, the persistence of the painful, anger, hypervigilance, and lack of trust make hopelessness seem inescapable.

But much like any trauma, it is possible to recover from an affair. I say that based on many years of clinical experience as a therapist treating trauma. I worked with clients who had experienced almost unspeakable psychological injuries. I was often astonished at the human capacity for healing. The work was not easy (and we used a rigidly structured protocol to help guide the work), but the healing was often remarkable.

Affairs often produce similar symptoms (discussed in detail in another blog). Left unprocessed, those painful emotions and thinking patterns remain, persisting to help the person avoid similar experiences. The couple's conversations about the affair can easily prove overwhelming, leading to intense, damaging fights. Couples who opt to stay together often become masters of avoidance in order to keep the peace. This keeps them stuck.

Overcoming avoidance and effectively working with powerful emotions requires that very specific conditions be met first. I think this kind of work is as much about clinical knowledge and skill as it is about effective leadership throughout the process. The couple must have very deep and genuine trust in the therapist, I believe, in order to follow their lead into the darkness.

But -- and about this I am very, very confident -- the couples who stay and just continue doing the work will almost invariably recover. Fear, rage, sadness, shame, guilt, and hopelessness begin to dissipate; slowly, quietly, new and softer emotions take their place. Confidence -- once thought lost -- gradually returns. The bond gets stronger.

This happens for each couple at their own pace. Elsewhere in this blog I talk about some of the factors that influence the pace of recovery. But what matters most is the idea that couples who hang in there through the early stages and just keep working will almost invariably emerge far healthier and stronger.

Sessions are sometimes tough, but they are strikingly different than the fights at home. Isolation gives way to connection, as the couple begins to regrow the bond that shattered. Fear gives away to a glimmer of hope, and doubt and mistrust fade. Over time the couple begins to resemble the team they once were. They might help each other navigate a particularly tough moment in our session; the betrayed spouse might reach out and comfort the partner who strayed, growing a little more hope in the process. Hard edges soften.

I stay very closely attuned to the couple and anticipate challenges well before they arise. Couples soon grow to deeply trust me and the work we are doing.

A major turning point in our work occurs as the couple begins to make sense of what has happened. This goes far beyond simply knowing the details (itself an important task). Making sense (or meaning) of difficult events is essential if we are to fully heal.

Nietzsche once wrote, "He who has a reason why can bear with almost any how." To the extent we understand why something awful happened, its emotional grip on us weakens.

The powerful process of meaning making is complex enough that I will undoubtedly have more to say about it in other blogs. But to the extent a couple can develop a comprehensive understanding of the affair, why it happened, the devastation it caused, what it means for their relationship, and how to protect themselves from similar harm in the future, they are well on their way to fully recovering from an affair.

Near the end of treatment the couple looks different than when we began. They enter sessions laughing about something that happened earlier in the day. They tease and sometimes flirt. Importantly, they can talk about very tough experiences openly, without the overpowering emotions they felt just a few months before. Many even say their friends point out that they look much better, and sometimes even ask their secret! It is a long road and there are no shortcuts. But it is well worth the effort.

As this blog hopefully makes clear, this work is neither quick nor simple. In fact there are many pieces I am leaving out. But healing is entirely possible provided the couples does enough of the right kind of hard work, with a skilled leader and coach.

There is hope.

Dr. Chris

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