8 Common Reactions to an Affair's Discovery

An affair's discovery is often a powerfully traumatizing experience, certainly to the betrayed partner but often for the involved partner as well. Affairs explode onto once-safe relationships, leaving emotional devastation in their wake.

This emotional chaos can feel deeply unsettling to both partners. While there aren't quick fixes for these emotions, it can be helpful for both partners to hear how "normal" looks after the discovery of an affair.

In my work helping couples recover from the discovery of affairs, I incorporate principles of trauma-focused therapy. In other blog postings I will describe the rationale for this as well as some of the methods I use. This blog reflects the trauma perspective in the work that I do with couples.

An important and early part of this work involves helping both partners understand the common responses to emotional traumas. In my experience this knowledge is so helpful that I regularly share it in the first session to help the couple better respond to these experiences. By identifying and discussing common reactions to affairs, both partners may begin to feel a bit of sanity returning to their lives.

What follows is a brief list of symptoms commonly experienced. Not everyone who has discovered an affair will experience these. Some people may experience all of them, and others a few. Some may experience these in varying degrees for months or years, while others pass through them more rapidly. Regardless, hearing what many people experience in these circumstances can be reassuring that neither of you is crazy.

1. Pervasive, negative emotions: Clients who enter my office immediately after the discovery of an affair often describe feeling intense, even overwhelming emotions. Some show anger or rage, with jaws clenched, fists balled, and angry scowls. They may be terse, sarcastic, or loud as they struggle to contain the immense pain that is transforming into anger. Others may present with an almost unbearable amount of sadness; they might hold their heads in their hands, stare out the window, or quietly cry. Most vacillate between sadness and anger, sometimes multiple times in one sitting. Powerful emotional storms can last for hours, even well into the night, only to resume the following day. Partners understandably struggle with this, but these emotions are entirely normal and not a sign of "craziness."

2. Intrusive thoughts or memories: Betrayed partners frequently describe being bombarded by unwanted, sometimes-graphic thoughts and images of the affair, its discovery, and its real (or imagined) content. These thoughts are often deeply upsetting and clients may expend significant energy trying to force them out of awareness. Unfortunately, given their intensity and frequency, the intrusive thoughts frequently win the battle and saturate consciousness. Untreated, these intrusive thoughts can persist until properly healed. These thoughts are entirely normal, difficult to control, and the source of the emotions described above.

3. Nightmares: Another common reaction to the discovery of an affair is the presence of nightmares. Unfortunately for the betrayed partner the intrusive thoughts and memories that seem to plague them during the day can continue into the night, interfering with much-needed rest and recovery to the point that some clients seek medication or other remedies to find a respite. Nightmares can be intense and repeated, with vivid images replaying in their minds.

4. Sleep disturbances. In addition to nightmares, clients frequently describe difficulty sleeping. Intrusive memories, emotional hyperarousal, and unanswered questions contribute to poor sleep quality or insomnia. Clients often report waking in the middle of the night to angrily scold the involved partner, demand detailed explanations, sob, or storm out of the house. Others fear nightmares and choose to distract themselves while avoiding sleep. The lack of sleep can fuel their emotional dysregulation and depressive feelings, creating a vicious and exhausting cycle.

5. Hypervigilance to threats of an affair: After traumatic experiences we often become sensitized to anything that reminds us of the trauma. This is adaptive insofar as it helps us be more aware of threats and thus avoid new traumas. But perceived threats (whether real or imagined) can generate strong emotional responses and an equally strong desire to avoid the reminder. Betrayed partners may avoid living fully, fearing encounters with reminders. Or, they may aggressively hunt for evidence of new betrayals so as not to be surprised again.

6. Strong, negative reactions to reminders or memories: Betrayed partners may respond to reminders with fear, sadness, anger, or even intense rage. Some reminders are more obvious than others: running into the other person would obviously upset most people. Some reminders are much more subtle. A commercial on tv, a song on the way to work, a certain color shirt on a stranger. Because the reminders can be subtle, both partners may struggle to predict when they will happen. This can be stressful for both, since reminders become very difficult to avoid.

7. Negative beliefs about the relationship, the person who strayed, oneself, and the world: Once-cherished beliefs about fidelity, love, mutual interest, the future, family, emotional bonds, and many others become deeply uncertain. Doubt can pervade all facets of the relationship, and even relationships with others, since they too could pose a threat to the relationship. The loss of such powerful beliefs can be deeply disturbing and disorienting, leaving people questioning almost everything they believed about the relationship. Self-esteem and confidence may diminish, sometimes sharply, particularly if the betrayed partner begins to blame himself or herself.

8. Social isolation: I often hear that betrayed partners are actively avoiding social interactions with others. They may do this out of a desire to avoid painful conversations with friends, family, or coworkers. They may also do so because they are struggling to contain their intense, negative emotions and do not wish to expend the energy to do so. Betrayed partners also fear possible judgments, stigma, gossip, or shame from insensitive others. This kind of isolation can amplify other difficulties, including depressive symptoms. It can also reinforce the value of avoiding life, creating a negative cycle.

The trauma of discovering an affair in a relationship once assumed to be safe can create a firestorm of thoughts and emotions. Understanding how entirely normal these reactions are is a first step toward finding safety and beginning the healing process. In working with couples who have recently experienced the discovery of an affair, we work hard to begin containing and soothing these painful emotions while rebuilding safety.

I also work with couples to normalize these reactions very early on in our work. They can be very difficult for both partners, but they are normal and not signs of pathology. With time and work, the reactions begin to fade or change into softer emotions. This makes it easier for both partners to turn toward each other for comfort and care, accelerating the healing process.

If you are experiencing these kinds of painful thoughts and emotions, help is available!

Dr. Chris

© Revive the Bond, 2024. No part of this blog may be reproduced without the express written consent of the author.