Treatment duration can vary substantially depending on the couple, the type and duration of affair(s), the time since the affair, other work done, and so on. However, my overarching philosophy on this question is simple: as many hours as necessary but not one more. As the clinical literature attests, affair recovery is complex work often requiring 35 to 50 hours of work, or more, depending on many variables. However, efficiency and effectiveness permeate everything I do so that you can obtain results and move forward. I ask that couples take whatever steps are necessary to clear their calendars for 3-5 hours (or more), one day per week. This substantially accelerates recovery compared to one, 55 minute session per week (the industry standard). A semi-intensive format like this will help you rapidly work through the toughest stages of the crisis and recovery work.

Throughout my career as a couples therapist and now coach, I have gravitated toward the most challenging cases I can find. I love a challenge, and affair recovery is probably the most challenging work I have ever done. Affairs generate unbelievably powerful emotions and can easily destroy hope; that makes for some heavy lifting on my part. But I have come to develop a hunger for this kind of challenge, and now specialize in this work exclusively. It is deeply rewarding to see couples who were on the brink of divorce after an affair emerge from treatment much stronger and more in love.

There are a variety of factors that influence who is accepted to engage in affair recovery at Revive the Bond. In short, we seek couples who will succeed fully from the program of treatment. Generally, this means that both partners have at least some desire to save the relationship, even if they have significant fears or doubts about whether it is salvageable. Both partners must be honest enough to acknowledge that an affair (or affairs) happened; we do not work with couples who only suspect an affair but there is no admission of involvement. Both must be willing to commit to the fairly significant time required to effectively treat an affair, and both must participate fully and equally in the process. Couples need not be free of ambivalence about saving the relationship; it is entirely normal to be hurt and discouraged, and uncertain about the future. If these conditions are met, the couple is much more likely to derive significant benefit from treatment. Our reputation is built on providing couples unmitigated experiences of success, so we want to work with couples who are very likely to succeed.

All services are virtual (online) Monday through Friday to offer couples maximal flexibility and privacy. We offer packaged services so that clients can create a program that fits their needs. After a consultation (online) we will decide if working together is the right decision. Once we agree to work, clients can choose from several packaged services, alone or in combination. See Treatment Packages for more information. We offer unique, intensive services that help couples move quickly through the hard work of affair recovery to achieve rapid healing. Clients receive a minimum of three hours of services per day (generally one day a week) up to a maximum of eight hours per day. Clients in high distress may request to work more than one day a week, depending on availability.

Many factors influence how long a couple will need to accomplish their goals. These overlap in complex ways that make predicting length of treatment difficult to predict. But there are some factors that reliably contribute to amount of treatment needed. First, the recency of the affair's discovery and the degree of emotional upheaval is significant. In couples where there the emotions surrounding the affair are very powerful (for instance, where the anger and pain are almost overwhelming), we will likely need more time to create stability and enough trust to begin healing. Contrast this with a couple who discovered the affair ten years ago, have done some healing already, and just want to complete the work of healing. The scope and duration of the affair or affairs contribute significantly. A one night stand, for instance, often (but not always) requires less work than a ten-year love affair with complex emotional entanglements. Cases where compulsive or addictive behaviors are present tend to complicate the work (sometimes significantly). Certain traits in one or both partners can also impact the work significantly. In my experience, a willingness to assume responsibility by the person who strayed in particular is predictive of more rapid healing (all else begin equal). Some degree of defensiveness is almost invariably present in the person who strayed, and a major part of my work is to soften this by creating safety in our work. But in rare cases, when the person cannot fully accept responsibility the work slows or becomes almost impossible. Clients who are

The Revive the Bond blog has more to say about this, but here are a few factors that make Revive the Bond different: Training: I have a PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy, where I spent nearly six years learning, training, and supervising (and being supervised in) couples therapy and complex systems work more generally. Couples therapy and coaching are profoundly more complex than individual work; the training I received makes all the difference. Specialization and expertise: Couples work is widely regarded as the most difficult type of clinical/coaching work, given the complexities, volatility, and potential for serious mistakes. Affair recovery is more difficult still, and often considered one of the most difficult challenges to treat. I specialize exclusively in this hard work and devote all of my learning and growth in pursuit of excellence. Leadership: This is a quality that I have never heard discussed in the therapeutic community, but I believe it is what sets me apart from the overwhelming majority of therapists and coaches. I trained for four years at West Point to be a leader, then spent five more years refining my leadership as an officer. I am gentle, tactful, and respectful of clients; but I also recognize the value of expertly leading couples through the difficult work of affair recovery. In the military, I learned that leaders are responsible for all that happens or fails to happen in their units. That is a remarkably useful attitude for therapists. Highly-customized treatments: Couples receive carefully tailored services based on a thorough assessment, rather than cookie-cutter, mass-produced services based on some model du jour or high volume approach. I carefully assess couples and use my deep knowledge of couples therapy/coaching and affair recovery to design impactful experiences of change. Strong interpersonal skills: This quality might seem like a given among therapists/coaches, but it is not. My clients reliably say that I am easy to work with and confidence inspiring, especially during their most difficult moments. I have a calm demeanor and work hard to stay well ahead of the curve, anticipating and effectively working through challenges. Driven by results: This quality speaks for itself. These are just a few of the reasons to choose Revive the Bond for your most demanding and painful problems as a couple.

I do not accept any health insurance.

Yes. Some individual or relational issues can interfere with treatment or present ethical challenges to such an extent that I will decline to treat a couple. For example, the presence of intimate partner violence (i.e., domestic violence) and/or significantly controlling power dynamics can rule out couples coaching, since our work requires that both partners take the risk of being vulnerable. Certain personality-related traits or disorders can complicate treatment and slow results, depending on the severity of symptoms. Personality disorders such as borderline PD, narcissistic PD, antisocial PD, and others can interfere with couple therapy and are unlikely to change during relationship-focused therapy. Similarly, active addictions, untreated psychosis, mania, delusional disorders, and significant suicidal or homicidal intent can be rule outs for treatment. I ask that all potential clients be as forthright as possible during assessments. High levels of conflict and very strong emotions are not exclusionary unless there is violence or power/control issues. (Note: In my role as a coach I do not diagnosis or claim to treat any mental disorder at all).

Coaches and therapists not trained and supervised extensively in working with couples and who are not committed to disciplined, principled work can "pick sides" or think about the relationship linearly rather than circularly. Clients become aware of this when they sense the therapist aligns with one person in the relationship. Sometimes this is overt and obvious; at other times, the coach might not even be aware that he or she is taking sides. Either way can be harmful. Often, the person who strayed or had an affair expects the therapist or coach to align with the non-involved partner. I simply do not and will not ever do that. My obligations are to the relationship itself, which I am tasked to heal. Aligning with either partner fundamentally violates that bedrock value of couples work and again: I will not do that. I am also far too busy working on the relationship to take sides. The relationship is my client.

It is unethical (and potentially illegal) for therapists/coaches to guarantee a specific outcome. So there is no such guarantee. However, I have a long track record of successfully treating affairs and other challenging problems in relationships. In fact, I prefer working with challenging couples more than any other type of work. So while there isn't a guarantee of a given result, in my experience nearly every couple I treat improves dramatically and stays together. Another important metric is drop out (or premature termination) for affair recovery work. My drop out rate over the past 15 years is nearly zero. That said, some marriages/relationships likely cannot be saved by anyone, and perhaps ought not to be (for instance, in cases of abuse, neglect, and/or violence). During consultation and assessment I give candid information on whether I can help your relationship with affair recovery coaching. I sometimes decline to treat couples if I believe I cannot be of sufficient assistance. I do not, however, offer opinions on whether you should work to save the marriage. I only share whether my services will help or not.

It is not uncommon for one or both partners to be ambivalent about staying in a troubled relationship, particularly if an affair has occurred and the emotional bond is heavily frayed or broken. In this case, I might suggest engaging in Discernment Counseling with me prior to agreeing to treatment. Discernment Counseling is not change-oriented, but is instead a structured, short-term method of helping both partners clarify what they want (e.g., Continue the status quo, separate, or engage in the work). This time-limited approach (rarely more than five hours, and often less) allows partners to make informed decisions about their future. Most couples who complete this work then decide to engage in couples coaching with me.

Yes. The structure of sessions varies, but I always meet with both partners individually early in the assessment process. With affair recovery work, I often plan for several hours of individual work early on in order to stabilize the couple, reduce the crisis, gather information, and plan treatment. As the work progresses, the majority of sessions are with both partners present. If at any point a client wants an individual hour with me we can do this. In this case, I will meet with the other partner individually for the same amount of time to maintain balance.

See the blog for more details on this, as the answer varies depending upon many factors. There are, however, some common elements: Above all, I am unfailingly respectful, gentle, tactful, non-judgmental, and very strategic in how I intervene. Early in our work you will see that I take an active role in the room and work to establish safety and the structure that contains even the strongest emotions. I may at times be more directive at this stage, since safety and structure are paramount. Clients reliably tell me that they feel heard and respected; clients who had affairs very often say they appreciate not feeling targeted or that I am taking sides. As we move into the exploration stages I remain respectful and polite, but I begin to open the process more and begin having the two of you work more directly with each other (provided certain conditions are met). I monitor this progression very closely; you will never move faster than you feel ready or faster than is emotionally safe. I carefully consider everything I do or say in advance, and assiduously avoid mistakes, large and small. I am a professional. Other coaches/therapists may ramble, dispense cheap advice, share idiosyncratic opinions, confront clients, lose (or never find) focus in session/treatment, chase unimportant content, choose sides, blame, or alienate with harsh, ill-considered comments. I strenuously avoid these behaviors and work hard to keep the focus on your continual growth and healing, where it belongs. You will notice that there is a plan for every session, and that we stick to that plan. On occasion, couples request that we discuss some new event or information; I am respectful of client desires and use good judgment to decide if and how to integrate such material. I keep clients informed of my thought processes on such matters. Sessions are often emotionally intense and hard work. (Those are good signs!) That said, I do not let sessions end before we have achieved a denouement (emotional or otherwise) for that day. I closely watch the clock and time my interventions in ways that ensure we have sufficient time to resolve and repair before concluding the session. No matter how difficult the work is, clients invariably say that they feel safe and understand the rationale for what we are doing.