Ten Steps After an Affair's Discovery

If you recently discovered that your partner is having an affair, one or both of you might be in crisis. I encourage you to consider the recommendations below. I have based them on many years of studying affairs, as well as my own clinical practice with affair recovery. Some of them may seem counterintuitive but I encourage you to take them. You will find much more about these steps in my blog.

-- Dr. Chris

Steps to Take

I encourage you to read these steps with your partner and (if safe) discuss how to use them. As I will note, arguments and discussions about the affair rarely help shortly after discovery. It is much better to focus on safety, self-care, damage control, and decision making before trying to tackle the difficult work of healing and repair.

Step 1

If you or your partner is considering hurting themselves, please seek emergency support. This might be 911 or a crisis hotline such as 988. Your local hospital may have a crisis center. Safety is the most important consideration. If you have a mental health provider or pastor who offers confidential emergency support you might also consider contacting them.

Step 2

Carefully reconsider telling friends and family what has happened. Support is vital but friends and family are not impartial and might not respect your privacy. (In my experience, word spreads like wildfire in families and the workplace). Telling them what has happened can also constrain future options or create new problems, neither of which you need. At all costs do not tell your children. Let them know they are safe. If you must say something to others, you might just tell people you are struggling but finding help.

Step 3

Instead of confiding in family, friends, or colleagues, consider finding a professional who will respect your right to privacy and not spill your secrets. The last thing you need is the stress of gossip or rumors. Seek confidential support. Initial work is best focused on emotional support and crisis management.

Step 4

Avoid heated discussions about the affair. Arguments at this stage almost invariably do more harm than good to both of you, and could potentially become violent. There will be plenty of time to work things out productively. If you are unable to avoid arguments with each other, consider ways to create space. Perhaps one of you could stay in a hotel or with a trusted friend, or at least sleep in different rooms. Not talking can be stressful and anxiety provoking; find ways to self-soothe, including exercise, meditation, etc..

Step 5

Resist the temptation to seek revenge. Do not post your story on social media or elsewhere. Do not involve family in order to punish the person who strayed. Do not go looking for the other man or woman. Find better ways to manage your anger, anxiety, and pain. Revenge may backfire spectacularly and does nothing to change what has happened. It also complicates future work, regardless of the path you choose to take.

Step 6

Continue taking care of yourself, especially if you do not want to. Wake up on time, conduct your daily hygiene routine, tidy up the house, go to work if you can, and certainly take care of the kids. Go easy on alcohol, etc.. Continue your exercise routine; if you do not have a routine, go for walks. Engaging in these tasks will help manage some of the painful energy and help stave off depression (or worse). Do not just lie around ruminating. Get the energy out productively.

Step 7

Set a time with your spouse/partner to meet to discuss who will do what vital functions around the house and/or with the children. Agree in advance not to discuss the affair. You may wish to ask a professional to be present, if safer. Identify essential tasks (paying bills, preparing meals, or driving children, for instance) and create a plan for who is doing what. Do not use this time to discuss the affair. There will be plenty of time for that and it will be more much productive with a professional present.

Step 8

Postpone making decisions about the future of the relationship or other major decisions. It is not necessary to make decisions immediately. You will have plenty of time to decide such things, and your thoughts and emotions will change considerably in the coming weeks and months anyway. Agree not to talk about the future yet; focus on crisis management and day-to-day living.

Step 9

Use a journal to record your thoughts and emotions, even if you are working with a counselor or other professional. Write down your questions about the affair. Write about why you felt tempted to have an affair. Write about your pain and shattered dreams. Do not share these journals with each other. But they will likely help in therapy or coaching.

Step 10

Agree to find competent, professional help, even if you are convinced you want to separate or divorce. Whether you stay together or not you will almost certainly benefit (often in many ways) from engaging in focused, productive affair recovery work. Ending the relationship without doing this work leaves both of you vulnerable to significant, unresolved pain in the future. It can also powerfully influence future relationships. Simply leaving is not enough to heal. Find a professional.